A 17 year old girl that writes the way she talks. - Qaisara Afiqah

Friday, January 27, 2012

You are wrong if you think that I'm strong

"Funny how things can go from great to complete shit in less than 5 minutes."

I hate it when I make people sad or depressed or feeling down when they clearly don't deserve it. Okay maybe they do deserve it a little bit but then I shouldn't make them sad. So yeah, that's me, I always think of other people. Tapi sekarang dah nak rasa rebel sikit. Sekarang ni jadi macam, "Screw them, I deserve to be happy too. If what I'm doing is not making me happy, then why should I do it." No, I'm not stepping on other people's feet on making myself happy but I made taking care about my own feelings my top priority now. I still care about other people's feelings but when I got to certain extent, I'll stop, before I hurt myself. 

It's like there's so many things to be sad about. I had told myself that we can be as happy that we want ourselves to be. And we can be sad as sad that we want to be. So I can choose. It's not like there are no options, there are. I thought it is that simple and maybe it is. When I& get sad, I tell myself that I'm being silly over small matters that does not involve me. But the fact is, all of those small matters affect me and I can say they affect me somewhat deeply. I convinced myself over and over again that I should be happy. If I myself didn't try to make myself happy, who else will? 

Sometimes we can't help feeling down, no? Well, at least I can't help feeling down sometimes. Sometimes you feel like you don't fit in with the crowd. Sometimes you feel like you're at the bottom of the food chain. Sometimes you feel like everybody else is better. Sometimes you feel like shit. Sometimes your greatest fear, your greatest enemy is your self. Sometimes your mind screw you up, and left you feeling like an idiot. That is why we need our alone time. I know how much attached we can be to our significant other or friends, but I always, always need some alone time sooner or later. If I'm down and I feel like the world is closing down on me, no one else can make me stand up tall, other than myself. I am my own Saviour, with Allah as my guide. Of course. 

You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only option. I'm not strong. I can't resist temptations. I can't let go, I can't forget, I can't. But I can act and that is with my strongest will to not be so soft. It all will end soon and like I said, it's not the ending unless everything is okay again. So what I'm really saying is, everything will be okay soon. I hope. I know the entry is like scattered around. I'm no good in making any entry flow beautifully but I hope you'll get the point anyway. And if you're feeling down of any kind, just think for a second. You're better than him/her. 

This blog is the only thing that can cheer me up when everything else fail. This blog will not dissapoint me, would it? No.

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